you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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