I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
