I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
