So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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