i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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