you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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