I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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