I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
