i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
