i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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