I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
