did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
