I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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