Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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