He kissed a someone with a penis
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
