how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
