My sheets look like a crime scene.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
