So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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