he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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