You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
