I wish my penis had an off switch
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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