Jerry, you need to find god
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
