I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
