my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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