She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
