i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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