Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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