apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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