You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
