there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
only if we run a train.
done.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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