I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
no, he came in my armpit
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
