I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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