broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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