census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
