When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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