I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
