it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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