I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
