The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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