My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
