apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
