I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.