The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.