Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
try to milk me bitch
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