Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
