I just saw a hot homeless man
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
