Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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