I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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