Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
