I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
