i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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