Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
