I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
