Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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