so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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