Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
