When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
