i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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