What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
