Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
