Jerry, you need to find god
I wish I only lived at night.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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